


Screw You

by Roucarnage



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, F/M, Genderbend, Headcanon, Loss of Virginity, One Shot, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sexual Content, Smut, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 00:55:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19819192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roucarnage/pseuds/Roucarnage
Summary: Deidara is tired of Hidan pointing out her virginity each time they talk so she decides to do something about it-and instantly regrets it.





	Screw You

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with my OTP. While I like writing other pairings and will continue to try it out, I'll always come back to this pairing, my crack ship.

“Holy fuckin’ shit, I’ve been waitin’ fer this here shit all year!” Hidan exclaimed, submerging herself in the bubbling, hot water until only her head surfaced.

“Yes, it has been awhile, hasn’t it?” Itachi replied, leaning into the rock shelf and sighing, her sleep deprived eyes falling shut.

Deidara grunted, plunging herself into the water until it was at neckline, her blonde hair floating, surrounding her like a golden halo.

The three women said nothing for a few minutes, just indulging in the hot spring that the Akatsuki only vacationed too once a year due to scheduling conflicts and budget restrictions. It typically was had during the winter season when the frigid weather granted a better experience but this year, it was in the fall due to everyone requiring a break after back-to-back missions and Bijuu hunting. Despite the warmer weather, it was much more satisfying due to everyone being so exhausted.

Deidara, Hidan, and Itachi had bathed in the female side, while Kakuzu, Kisame and Zetsu occupied the male side on the other side of a ten-foot wall. Pein and Konan paid extra to have their own private spring from everyone else. _“So, they can fuck.”_ Hidan had hypothesized.

“Let’s drink!” Hidan proclaimed suddenly, straightening and retrieving the buoyant bowl which had a bottle of sake and three cups inside for each of them.

She poured herself one, swallowing it down then pouring herself a second one before placing the basket in the water and pushing it towards Itachi. She didn’t drink, so she in turn pushed towards Deidara who gladly accepted the booze. After the shit year she had thus far, she was spending this stay getting wasted and enjoying the hot water.

“So, how’s everyone doin’?” Hidan questioned to instigate a conversation since the three ladies hadn’t had a chance to sit down and talk for awhile.

“Oh, I’m alright. Tired, but alright.” Itachi said, gathering up her inky strands and tying her hair up into a bun so it didn’t get too wet and cause it to frizz.

“Ya sleepin’ better? You was lookin’ like shit fer awhile there.”

“Oh, yes. I’m sleeping much better now. I discovered a way to position myself so during the night, I do not asphyxiate on the blood from my lungs.”

“Is that new “position” with Fishstick?” Hidan asked, grinning and exhibiting her upper teeth which had a pronounce gap between them. Instantly, Itachi’s pink cheeks from the heat darkened further, extending to her ears and Hidan literally crowed like a rooster as she erupted into laughter, slapping her knee underneath the water and splashing Deidara on the other side who scowled the sake in her cup was watered down as a result. “I fuckin’ knew it! Ya’ll are fuckin’, ain’tcha?”

Itachi tried to hide her blushing but it failed. “W-We are not having sexual intercourse!”

“But didja fuck?” Hidan asked in a serious tone, ushering her sake cup at the dark-haired women.

Itachi said nothing for a minute, thin lips pressed into a line then finally, she sighed, black eyes staring elsewhere. “Yes, we did have sex…b-but it was once!”

Hidan howled in celebration. “It’s about fuckin’ time, Pink Eye! Here I was, thinkin’ you was goin’ to die’a virgin! Congratulations.” She gulped down her sake and snatched up the bottle which Deidara had been squirrelling it on her side, drinking it in an attempt to get intoxicated in light of the turn the discussion had taken since she anticipated what was coming. “So, how big is he?”

Itachi didn’t think she had any blood left circulating throughout her with how hot her face felt at the moment. “T-That is none of your business!”

“Oh come on! I told ya how big Kakuzu was.”

“Something which I never asked to know.”

“Is he at least bigger er smaller than Kakuzu?”

“I-I-I don’t know. I didn’t stare at it.”

“Didja cum? How many times he make ya cum? Give me somethin’ here.”

“…t-three times.” Again, Hidan howled, slapping the water and Itachi sighed as her hair was drenched while Deidara bristled as yet another cup of drink was wasted. She had failed to get drunk in time as once Hidan had finished her jollification in Itachi’s deflowering, she turned on the blonde who slinked further into the water, preparing herself for the onslaught.

“So, Blondie, how’sit goin’ with the Schizoid?”

“Horrible. I hate Zetsu, hn.” Deidara grumbled, pushing herself up, thinking maybe for once, Hidan wasn’t going to take it _there._

“What? He tryin’ to eat you er somethin’?”

“No, he’s just… _obnoxious._ ”

“Obnoxious? I think Zetsu as being a pleasant person once you’ve acquainted yourself with him.” Itachi chimed in.

“That’s the thing, hn. He’s too fucking polite. It’s always, _“Can I help you with this, Deidara-san?”_ or, _“Can I do this for you, Deidara-san_?” I hate it! He treats me like a fucking child! He’s worse than Sasori was!” She grabbed the sake bottle, taking a swig directly from it.

“Maybe he’s tryin’ to fuck you, unlike Blue,” Hidan mentioned, sipping from her sake cup, her jasper orbs eyeballing Deidara over the rim. “Yer the only one of us that’sa virgin now.” Deidara went rigid, her dreaded prediction coming to fruition.

“ _No._ ”

“Hidan, leave her be.” Itachi interjected, waving off the albino woman, realizing also she was going back to beat a dead horse. She couldn’t think of a conversation that didn’t divert to the subject of Deidara’s virginity. It was just her in particular too that Hidan had a bizarre fascination with as she rarely interrogated Itachi herself.

“I’m just sayin’, you got yer cherry popped ‘fore she did an’ didn’t ya say you was goin’ to be better than Pink Eye at everythin’, Blondie?” That did it; that was Deidara’s trigger. She was done with this bullshit!

“I’ll fucking show you two then, hn!” She chucked the sake at Hidan, hitting in the chest and silver-haired woman cried out, not from pain but rather as the bottle tipped over, spilling its sinful contents into the water.

“Deidara, wait—” Itachi tried as Deidara climbed out of the spring but it was too late at the blonde marched out, clenching her dribbling towel to her chest and leaving a trail of water behind her. Sighing, the Uchiha turned to Hidan who was drinking the spring water to see if it had an alcoholic taste to it now. “Hidan, why must you push her? Have you ever considered that Deidara does not wish to have sex?”

“She hasta git fucked! Jashin don’t like virgins. I’m just tryin’ to save her soul!” The Jashinist insisted but it fell on deaf ears since Itachi knew it wasn’t so much as “saving” the artist’s soul as much as her unhealthy obsession with sex. It been like this since they first met.

“What do you think she meant by showing us?” Itachi inquired, suddenly realizing the blonde’s departing promise.

“Dunno. Maybe she’s goin’ to go fuck the Schizoid.”

“Oh no, I doubt she would do something irrational like that,” The Uchiha, then immediately remembered who was talking about. “Would she?”

**…**

On the other side in the male spring, Kakuzu, Kisame and Zetsu were relaxing, the first time in a year.

Kakuzu and Kisame were chatting over a bottle of sake of their latest missions and relationships with their partners in which Kisame admitted to finally bedding Itachi, much to Kakuzu’s fascination since he considered Itachi celibate.

Meanwhile, Zetsu was on the opposite side of the spring, napping. It was the first time he had joined the Akatsuki on vacation as he felt like too much of an outsider before, having no partner and no friendships with any of the other members. But, now that he was partners with Deidara after the unfortune death of Sasori, he felt comfortable enough to involve himself with everyone else. He had started joining Kakuzu and Kisame for poker night and drinking who happily accepted him, much to his genuine surprise. More so when they questioned if he’d be joining them to the springs this year. It made him feel like they finally considered him a friend, so he agreed. That, and Deidara. 

He liked Deidara. He didn’t “like” like her (perhaps a little bit), but he liked having her as a partner and tried his best to butter her up to him with much failure. If anything, he may be making her hate him more much to his disappointment, but she was still sensitive after Sasori’s death, so he decided to give her space on this break.

Kakuzu and Kisame were borderline drunk and in the middle of discussing the current affairs when suddenly, the wooden door to the spring was kicked open. In charged Deidara, dripping wet and burning mad.

“What the fuck?” Kakuzu exclaimed.

“Err…Deidara-chan, you ok?” Kisame questioned. Deidara answered neither of them as she stomped over to a peacefully slumbering Zetsu.

Zetsu was woken up as hot water splashed over him. After which, he was forcibly turned around from where he was sprawled comfortably over the rockface. He blinked sleepily at the person responsible, who was also now seated in his lap, and frowned.

“Deidara-san?” He grumbled, recognizing his partner though still waking up from his nap. “ **What’re you doing here?** Is something amatter?”

Again, Deidara said nothing. Instead, her plunged her hand into the water and Kakuzu and Kisame, who were quietly observing what was happening, noticed Zetsu jump up like he had experienced an electric shock, his golden eyes going large and his canines clinching together. What they didn’t see, was Deidara had pushed her hand past the towel tied to the cannibal’s waist and her handmouth had swallowed his flaccid manhood in one gulp.

Zetsu had never been touched. Hell, he didn’t touch himself because he didn’t experience sexual arousal as much as other men, so only on rare occasions did he masturbate. So, to be suddenly being introduced to a blowjob (handjob?) like this, it made his brain blue-screen. It also meant him getting an embarrassingly instant erection as the extra mouth suckled and licked him like a popsicle. It was then, as he enlarged inside her palm, that Deidara was starting to realize she had made a mistake.

Zetsu was a lot larger than she originally presumed (she didn’t think he could anywhere near as large as Hidan claimed Kakuzu being). In fact, he was huge as her handmouth started gagging on the thick organ, hardly able to circle its tongue around his girth. It registered with her how idiotic this plan had been, but she was put in an awkward situation. Either she leave back to Hidan and Itachi with her tail between her legs and her partner confused (including Kakuzu and Kisame) and turned on, or she go through with this and never have to listen to Hidan intrude into her lack of sex life ever again. It was a tough decision and either way, she’d be left humiliated.

In the meantime, Zetsu was trying his hardest to implement the legendary poker face Kisame claimed he had and not let the other two men, who were watching them like inquisitive hawks, onto what was happening under water. He couldn’t imagine their reaction if he told them he was currently being sucked off by the beautiful blonde in his lap. He was curious what had influenced Deidara to do something as ludicrous as this when she typically acted as though she couldn’t stand his existence. He wanted to ask her, but at the same time, he didn’t because secretly, he didn’t want to give her a cause to stop. This felt great and he was do his damndest not to dissolve into a quivering, moaning mess. Though, he couldn’t prevent the twitching of his leg, causing the girl to bounce a bit on his knee. Oh fuck, at this rate, he might end up finishing and he wasn’t positive if that was Deidara’s end goal or what.

Thankfully, it didn’t come to that as she pulled her handmouth off him, the freeing of suction causing a sizable air bubble to float up. It was as much relieving as it was frustrating as her let out a grand sigh, slumping into the water. Unfortunately, it wasn’t over yet as she grabbed him again and placed her other hand on his shoulder, using it to position herself in his lap. He didn’t realize what she was doing until he felt something plush brushing the head of his cock and by then, it was too late. Deidara dropped into his lap again and skewered herself right onto him. This time, Zetsu couldn’t hide his reaction as he yelped out because it downright hurt.

No lubrication was supplied, either natural or artificial, and the water didn’t help either. It felt like had thrusted into a dry hole in the ground, a suffocatingly tight hole too. He cringed, gritting his teeth but his discomfort was nothing once he noticed Deidara’s reaction. She was shaking, no, quaking, and she had bitten right through her bottom lip, blood rivering down her chin and dripping into the water, dying it pink. Her dark-lidded eyes had squeezed themselves shut and tears gathered in the corners.

“D-Deidara-san?” Zetsu whispered quietly, picking up hesitant hands towards her. “Are you ok? **That was a stupid question.** Yes, it was, I apologize.”

She said nothing, she couldn’t say anything as she feared if she tried speaking, she might puke instead from the pure pain then black out. Instead, she shook her head, blood and tears being casted from the motion. He was huge, too huge and she actively felt herself splitting in half. Her pelvis must’ve broken in half, she was convinced of it.

She was grasping his shoulders and her handmouths bit into the skin but Zetsu ignored it. It was nothing in comparison to the pain he imagined she was experiencing right now. He cradled her face, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears while hushing her and Deidara didn’t have the energy or thought process to banish them. She wouldn’t admit to it, but it made her feel the ittiest, bittiest better.

Behind them, Kakuzu and Kisame had been audience to the unpredictable circumstances. They didn’t exactly know what to do or say after watching Deidara literally impale herself onto what they presumed to be Zetsu’s cock. So instead, they gathered their sake and quietly excused themselves, leaving the spring to the women’s side to tell their partners of the insanity they just witnessed.

Zetsu saw their departure and sighed, leaning his head back. He couldn’t imagine what they were thinking of him right now. It wasn’t like he asked for his partner to basically rape herself on him. This wasn’t how he dreamed of this happening and he had dreamt of a lot of scenarios with her, not all innocent. Just thinking of it made his member twitch and instantly felt guilty for it as Deidara flinched.

A second later, he heard she let out the heftiest breath and lifted his head to look at her, finding her heaving for oxygen like she had finished a marathon. He wrapped his arms around her, patting her back as if trying to burp her but instead to help her breathe. When she started to hush down, he decided this was the best time of any to ask the obvious question burning in the back of his head.

“Deidara-san, what caused you to do this?”

She didn’t immediately answer, and he wasn’t going to ask again but she spoke up a minute later. “I…I didn’t want to be a v-virgin anymore, hn.”

He frowned. “You could’ve told me, and I would’ve helped.” Shit, that was the wrong thing to say but his brain realized this a second too late after his lips said it. Deidara delivered him a disgusted grimace. “I-I mean you could’ve explained yourself instead of hurting yourself like this.”

“It’s too late, hn.” She muttered which was true. They could talk of the “if, ands, and buts” but she had already made the decision to deflower herself on his dick.

Using his shoulders, she started pushing herself up and presuming she was getting off, he grasped her midsection to help her up. Only the head of his manhood was remaining inside her when she paused. She lingered like that for a handful of seconds, staring at Zetsu’s chest with an empty gaze then suddenly, dropped back onto him, slipping through his hands since he hadn’t had a solid grip on her. He grunted since it felt no better than the first time she did while Deidara gasped, shivering.

He didn’t say anything, thinking she might’ve slipped given the slippery rocks underneath them so didn’t think anything else of it either when she lifted herself up again. This time though, he tightened his handle on her to prevent it happening again. Due to this, the second time she did it, he knew it was done purposely. The third time she did it, it didn’t hurt so much as a wetness had created itself inside her, dwindling the dry friction in favour of fluid movements. He pinched the inside of his cheek to restrain himself from moaning and was stupefied when Deidara did it instead, giving a hushed moan.

She was chewing her lip; it wasn’t to grapple with the pain though. It didn’t hurt anymore besides a sting; it felt good. That negative of his size had flipped into a position. He was large that he occupied every inch of her and pressed all the correct buttons at once, causing pleasant shivers to rack her. 

“D-Deidara-san?”

“Shut up,” She snapped at him, her eyes shut, and eyebrows crinkled in concentration. “J-Just shut up and let me enjoy this, hn.”

“O-Ok…” He said and did just that, fighting back any noise as she started shamelessly riding him.

The quiet atmosphere was infiltrated by the splashing of water and mewling as the blonde brought herself down over and over while the green-haired male had his head hung back, lips quivering as he struggled to “shut up” as told but she was making it borderline impossible for him.

No spoilers but, Deidara wasn’t the only virgin here. Zetsu had never been inside a woman (or man for that matter) and this was his first experience and what an experience it was. She was delightfully wet and snug on him. So much so that everytime she fell onto him, the head of his manhood pushed into her cervix which was as pleasurable for him as it was her. It was taking every ounce of his self-control not to ram into her. Well, he didn’t have to wait much longer.

Deidara’s knees were beginning to hurt as she had them positioned on either side of his partner’s legs so everytime she pushed herself up, it dug them into the rock they were seated on. It was going to leave a pair of nasty bruises later. Soon, it became bit too uncomfortable and she paused in her motions, panting and finally opening her damp eyes to stare at Zetsu who had the dumbest grin on his face.

“Hey!” Immediately, he straightened up, blinking his hazed eyes at her. “Are you going to fuck me or what, hn?”

“O-Of course, Deidara-san.”

He had had his hands readily placed on her gyrating hips, so he solidified his grasp on them. He gave the artist one last questioning gaze and when he got a glare back, he took that as permission to go ahead and “fuck” her. So, held her in place while he thrust up into her. There was a rock shelf underneath the water that supplied a footing for him that used to increase the strength of his thrusting. Deidara let out the loudest and most beautiful moan. He wanted to be gentle with her, considering as just lost her virginity a manner of minutes ago and may be tender, but as he felt her bring herself down in sync with him, he took that as all the clearance he needed. She wanted him to fuck her and that’s exactly what he was going to do.

Deidara cried out as Zetsu started pounding into her, holding her hips down with a bruising handle so each thrust into her was hard and went impossibility deep. It was like being fucked by a jackhammer. It was as painful as it was pleasurable and left her light-headed and disoriented. Her head fell onto his shoulder and her black nails clawed at his back, trying to establish at grip on him. Zetsu suspected he may have lasting hearing damage after this as she went from moaning to straight screaming into his ear in five seconds, but it didn’t stop him. If anything, it encouraged him.

“Oh—oh—oh f-fuck!” She stammered out between yelling, squeezing her eyes shut as her eyes rolled back into her head and scratching his back until drawing blood. Every inch of her felt like it was burning inside and out; like she was candle and it wasn’t because of the spring water. Her clit burned from the friction as it was grinded by his pelvis plus her insides being tenderized, she felt her climax incoming, fast and furious. “O-Oh Zetsu!”

Zetsu couldn’t explain it but hearing her whimper his name like that triggered something animalistic inside him and he replied by leaning his head down and biting her neck, his canines slicing through the plush flesh like butter. Blood bubbled through the incisions, tickling his tastebuds with the delicious flavour of iron and he growled in pleasure. Deidara didn’t realize what happened since it was on her blind side. All she felt was a pain in her neck then her orgasm hit her like a punch in the face, so unexpected and hard, and like anyone that had been punched in the face, she blacked out. Not before letting out a scream as she came though, a deafening scream that confirmed Zetsu’s suspicions he himself would be deaf in one ear after this.

Her walls swelled a third of their size, clamping down onto his cock and suffocating it, making it impossible to continue the intense pace he had going on. It was ok with him though because a few more thrusts and he reached his finish too. He held her flush to him, purring as he suckled on her neck and lazily pumped into her, emptying a charitable amount of seed inside her—and considering he hadn’t ejaculated in months, he had a lot to give. Finally, after several seconds, he had milked himself dry and his member wilted. He stilled the motions of his pelvis.

Deidara had regained consciousness, gasping and quaking from the aftershocks of her climax. All her strained muscles had turned had liquefied and she do little other than lay lifelessly against the black-and-white man’s heaving chest like a corpse. He liberated his teeth from her skin, leaving it heinous shade of black and purple and lapped at the oozing bitemark. He took advantage of her exhausted state as he littered her shoulder and neck with kisses, up to her deaf ear which he nibbled on. She shivered, trying to shrink away but he hunted her down, continuing to attack the sensitive spot until she was a withering and whimpering mess in his lap. Finally, she pushed his face away, glaring at him though breathing hard and red-faced.

“Not here, hn.” She affirmed, earning a quirked brow from him as he didn’t understand what she meant by that. She didn’t explain either.

Instead, she pushed herself up off his lap, grimacing when his flaccid manhood slipped out of her along with an influx of his semen, and over to the edge where she picked herself out of the water. Zetsu didn’t pursue her, having gotten what he wanted and decided to enjoy the spring, which he had to himself now, for a little while more before returning their shared room for a nap. It surprised him how much sex took out of you. That was the plan at least, until Deidara loudly cleared her throat, making it obvious she hadn’t left yet.

“Are you coming or not, hn?” She inquired impatiently, staring at him and tapping her barefoot on the wet ground.

“Oh, did you want me too?” He said, not positive if this was an invitation or not. He didn’t want to get too ahead of himself just because they had sex once.

She said nothing, glowering at him then flushing a crimson hue until she turned and stalked off in the direction of the men’s changing room. When she gave him one last glance over her shoulder, he took that as the invitation and got out of the water, tailing after the teenager.

On the other side, the others had been subjected to listening to the boisterous lovemaking of two unexpected people on the other side of the wall. Hidan was grinning like an idiot during it and after with Kakuzu pinching her cheeks to get her to stop because it was, “creepy” and Kisame and Itachi were awkwardly laughing with each other while secretly, trying their hardest not to jump on each other and replicate what they were listening to. Finally, it went quiet and lasted for a minute when the door to the woman’s changing room was wrenched open.

“Hidan!”

Hidan glanced over her shoulder with everyone else staring in the direction to find Deidara standing in the doorway, dripping wet and shaking. The blonde proceeded to flip the albino off before slamming the door shut. Not before the others noticed black and white hands pushing underneath her towel and Zetsu standing behind her, nursing on her neck.

“Are you pleased with yourself, Hidan?” Itachi inquired from the other woman, retaining an impressive straight face as Kisame fingered her beneath the water.

“Fuck yeah! I got all my best friends fucked. Jashin is happy today.” Hidan said then stared at Kakuzu, wiggling her silver eyebrows. “Speakin’ of which, let’s go fuck, Kakuzu.”

“We already had sex today.” Kakuzu dismissed her, pulling down his mask in order to drink his sake.

“Too bad, I’m horny now an’ Jashin demands it!” She proclaimed and got out of the water with a defeated Kakuzu walking after her, sake bottle in hand, back inside where Deidara and Zetsu were having a second round of loud sex. Once alone, it took all of five milliseconds for Kisame and Itachi to be on each other and take advantage of having the spring to themselves.

The next year, Pein and Konan took everyone to the beach since it made it harder for everyone else to fuck like rabbits.


End file.
